The title sums me up totally at the moment.
I’m tired today, totally exhausted and I have been feeling like this for a while. I had a sickness bug a few weeks ago and that left me feeing totally drained, I felt ok again last week but these past few days I must have some sort of virus because I have a slight sore throat but zero energy – absolutely none. I lay in bed this morning and imagined myself as Woody from Toy Story – imagine him lying down on the table and when you pick him up his arms and left just hang all dangled over don’t they? Well, that’s how I felt – I felt so drained and exhausted my legs felt like they had weights on them this morning.
C has been a bit full on recently too – wanting lots of attention and following me everywhere. He goes through stages like this where he just won’t leave my side and acts like he just can’t occupy himself, whereas he’ll go through periods of being quite happy to play by himself and lose himself in his imagination … but just not recently.
I’m sat here whilst he’s at pre-school surrounded by toys that need tidying up, stuff in the kitchen that needs loading into the dishwasher, clothes that need loading into the washing machine, plants that need potting that have been sat on the side for a few days, clothes to label for a pre-loved baby sale I’m doing on Sunday …. but I just don’t have the energy to do any of it. I want to just sit here, write my blog, read some blog posts, watch something on the TV or youtube because tonight I have work … from 8-midnight. I’ve been doing that for 3 nights a week for the past 16 or so months and it’s been fine – but these past few weeks I’ve been finding it a bit of a struggle. When I wake up on a Monday morning I have a full day on the go with C, doing all the things we do, entertaining him, doing the house stuff, I do dinner and go off out to work. I get in gone midnight, usually not getting to sleep until almost 1.
Then the second C wake up on a Tuesday morning it all starts again … the only time I get a break or some time for me will be when he goes to bed at 7.30/8 that night …. that would have been 48 hours from the last time I had that (Sunday night). Just writing that down is making me sigh and breathe in a huge breath with tiredness.
Being a Mum is hard work – being a working mum (however many hours you work) is even harder and I’m finding myself getting a bit short tempered and snappy towards him atm and I feel SO guilty and So bad.
I don’t get much time to myself – even though he goes to pre-school 3 days a week they’re only for 3-hour sessions – by the time I take him and have to leave to collect him again, it gives me 2.5 hours …. not 2.5 hours to myself … no. 2.5 hours to do the housework/food shopping/run general errands etc.
It’s not forever I know – he starts school in September and it’s breaking my heart. I’m hating the thought of ‘losing’ him to school. He’s my buddy and I do love having him around and going out for days out and adventures together and that’s all going to stop in September.
Time is going so fast and that day is quickly approaching and now whilst the house is quiet I do feel bad that I may have snapped at him today for taking too long to do something, or for not giving me a second to get dressed/brush my teeth .. blah blah.
Mum guilt – it’s awful, isn’t it? I feel bad for wanting some time off from being a Mum, but everyone does right? Everyone needs some time out? I just haven’t really had that in his 4 little years of life and for the past few weeks I’ve just felt like it’s been a little bit too much, what with work and trying to get some work done on my blog (which isn’t happening) I know come September I’ll have lots of time to myself with him at school and I know I’ll look back on these days and wish they were still here. You can’t win, can you?
I know I should just ignore the house and take some of the pre-school hours to do something for myself but I just can’t – I can’t just leave it all undone and untidy … because it’ll just be there for me anyway at some point to do and 10 times worse Haha.
It’s been a long winter too – I’m ready for the Spring & Summer & the better weather.
I needed to get that off my chest. Do you ever feel like this? Am I normal, because right now I feel awful and sad and guilty.